22/9/13 16:39
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Let's start a relationship.

Because I see sadness in you, but also a glimpse of the child you once were. I will show you new things and convince you to leave your comfort zone. I'll be awesome and amazing and sure of myself. And you will lust and be loving and in awe. We'll explore and camp and snuggle and argue about dumb insignificant things, then kiss because none of it matters.

But you'll place me on the dream girl pedestal. And when I experience something emotionally draining -- most likely my dad dying in the next few months -- you will realize I have flaws and I'm not as all around confident for the first time. I will have to leave town. And you will stay behind.

You will freak out and cheat on me. Because you started drinking heavily again -- something you hadn't had the urge to do in months. You'll lie while I'm away. Then blurt it out.

I will not be able to handle talking about it. I wanted support after offering it to you all this time. I'll have dead eyes for the first time. And leave without saying good-bye.

I'll wonder if I'm doomed to love with all my heart and without fear, while getting taken for granted, since it's happened so many times before. I'll decide that I have no regrets. Because I enjoyed the time we spent together. I'll know I risked my heart. I'll know it was worth the pain to care for someone who needed help. I'll be the string one always. You will always need someone else to reaffirm your self worth. I will take a trip and explore new territory and meet new people and have new adventures.

You will settle into a safe routine. I will continue to give and to love as much as I can. I will try to change the world for the better. I will succeed in small ways, with the help of the amazing people I am lucky enough to love me wholly and keep me in their lives. I will surprise you one day and you will have regrets. I will laugh. And touch you on the arm. And shake my head about what a bad fit you'd be for me now. You never grew out of your shell of protection.

I left mine years ago and never looked back.
theeditedword: (Default)
I am really good at procrastinating. Like expert level.

Though that's not something I should be bragging about.

But, I know me. And I know that I sometimes require more time to think things over before I decide what approach to take. But I have been feeling stuck lately. Like I'm not being utilized, so what's the point of completing things?

I am given busy work tasks at work, then not asked to finish them for weeks, or they're ignored for weeks after I turn them in. It's terrible. So, I try to focus on

my other work and side projects. But when you feel insecure in one realm, it reflects in others. I haven't been living up to the potential I know I should be displaying. I need to refocus. I need to quit distracting myself and putting off these awesome side projects that I want to turn into my career projects.

I need to stop procrastinating, and start working on solutions to problems and roadblocks I've already anticipated. I need to come to terms with my abilities and finish up more of these tutorials so as to get a better understanding of what I'm really taking on.

And then, I need to just say FUCK IT and do it. I need to take 2 weeks after WhereCamp and focus on the projects and work my ass off. Create databases and maps and start writing it all out. Every editorial calendar and interview subject and every idea, and turn them into actual work. Publish something before the year's end. Just do it. Because, what am I waiting for?
theeditedword: (Default)
Back in April, I got an invite to attend a women-only group where we'd be working toward setting and achieving goals over a 6-month span. I barely knew the woman who invited me, but it sounded like something I very much needed. So, of course I went. And kept going back, twice a month, since then (with the exception of June when I was busy with Open Source Bridge things).
This has been the defining experience of the last 6 months. I honestly don't know what I'd be like today without it. The group of women and the check-ins and the support offered without judgment. I can't properly describe how much this has positively impacted my everyday thinking and interactions.
I love it so much!
The 6 months is going to be over next month. We're planning to have a party and invite loved ones and friends who we think would benefit from it more. I'm bringing Alicia, as I've kinda recruited her for the last meeting (and the one tonight, too, hopefully). Everything in my life is more manageable to me now. Just break time up into 2-week segments. Have small goals and tasks to complete in that time frame. Seriously, that's the main component. And have accountability. Hear one another's progress. Meet up for coffee and coworking occasionally. It's been the best thing for me. And seeing how far everyone else has come toward achieving goals over this period has been so enlightening too.
So, super happy, invigorated, forward-thinking, and just content with a whole lot of things right now. And another meeting tonight. <3


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